I am spending my child support on dildos
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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