paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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