I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
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Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
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Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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