im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
