I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
