rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
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And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
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So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.