Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
