I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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