My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
two words...techno handjob
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
