You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Dicks are not precious.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
