halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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