I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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