He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
