She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
