Me too!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just cropdusted the office
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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