No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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