my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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