My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Lo siento on account of my penis...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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