Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
