You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
