DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
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I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom