She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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