He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
