I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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