she was so not down for the gang bang
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
