Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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