Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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