Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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