I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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