This is not my ceiling
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
