I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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