Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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