wat bout pragnant strippers??
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
did i just pee glitter
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
