Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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