I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
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Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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