I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
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Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
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