I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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