so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
