I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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