remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
