Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
