im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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