The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
