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He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
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