Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
