who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me