Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
what day is it and did you see me today?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
