Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
you had me at cake vodka
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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