proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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