They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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