I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
