I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
