Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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