You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
