Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
