Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
