I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
