Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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