You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Semen is not good for contacts.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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