Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
