I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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